A couple of months ago, I was sitting in a waiting room surrounded by a few parents and kids, when I overheard a conversation that went something like this:
Child: “I don’t know who my teacher is going to be.”
Parent: “No sense in worrying about it.”
Child: “But what if my teacher is mean?”
Parent: “Worrying won’t change that.”
Child: “What will I do if she is?”
Parent: “You’re gonna get an ulcer, stop worrying.”
At about this point, the child, who was around 12, stopped talking and both parent and child went back to their phones. It wasn’t a particularly long conversation, but there was distress and worry in the child’s voice, and it struck me as very big, missed opportunity.
In all of the advice for how to parent our kids, there is an often-underutilized skill that would have been very helpful in this situation: validation. Validation is recognizing an emotion without judgement. And, in fairness, it isn’t something that comes naturally to all of us (raise your hand if you heard “Suck it up, buttercup,” when you were a kid), but it is a critical tool in our toolbox. It’s a skill that we can practice without a lot of effort that can help our kids in a big way.
The next time your child – of any age – has a big feeling or comes to you with something hard, here are three things to keep in mind to use the skill of validation:
- Curiosity: You don’t have to fix it; you just need to be curious. As parents, we want to fix things for our kids, and when we don’t know how, we can end up brushing things off. So instead of trying to fix it, think instead of how to stay in the moment with your child and get curious about their feelings. Asking a few questions about their feelings is a great start.
- Connection: Allow the feeling to register with you. You remember worrying about many things that your kids also worry about – new teachers, friend troubles, school problems, and big emotions. And one way to validate for your child is to let them know that they aren’t alone in those feelings, you remember them, too, and that it is normal experience emotions like worry and fear and anger.
- Acknowledge: A simple, “Wow, that is hard,” goes a long way. Validation can be as simple as that. We let our kids know that yes, it is a hard thing, and that yes, we will be there to support them. We don’t need to get fancy or use a lot of words; we can offer a statement of validation and a hug.
Using the above ideas, the conversation above could have been a moment of validation if it had gone something like this:
Child: “I don’t know who my teacher is going to be.”
Parent: “Oh yeah, I can remember feeling that way in 3rd grade. What are you worried about?”
Child: “What if my teacher is mean?”
Parent: “That would be hard.”
Child: “What will I do if she is?”
Parent: “I don’t know, but I promise you that I’ll always be here to talk to you about it if she is.”
After all, isn’t that the way we’d want someone to respond to our hard emotions and worries? A little connection can go a long way, and the next time your child comes to you with something hard, remember the power of validation.
Katelyn Collins, MS, ECMH-II
