April is Child Abuse Prevention Month, and while this can be a difficult topic to discuss, it is a conversation that needs to be had in order to keep the children around us safe. According to the CDC, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 20 boys will experience childhood sexual abuse in the United States. Stranger Danger awareness is not the most foolproof way to prevent childhood sexual abuse. As we have learned, 91% of all perpetrators are known and trusted by the families of victims. Here are some tips to start the conversation and aid in preventing child sexual abuse:
- Use correct terms for body parts. We often use silly phrases and words to talk about those sensitive parts of our body, but by using correct terms, we take the shame and un-comfortability out of them. When we do this, children are less likely to view those parts as sensitive topics. So, if someone touched your child in a sensitive part, they do not feel ashamed to tell you about it.
- Boundaries around our bodies. Sure, some folks may be upset (here’s looking at you Uncle Bill) when a child doesn’t want to give them a hug, but encouraging children to have healthy boundaries around their bodies is never a bad thing. How would you feel as an adult if we told you that you needed to hug all your co-worker’s goodbye? … Yeah – Fist bumps can be just fine!
- Not all comments need to be tolerated or respected. This is a very unpopular opinion, but I have heard too many stories of children left to feel uncomfortable with someone’s comments or downright gross behavior because they were told that they should “respect their elders.” Children do not have to allow others to violate their comfortability and boundaries. By stuffing those feelings down when others are inappropriate, we teach that this is behavior that we must tolerate and live with. Oftentimes we want our kids to be kind and sweet to people even when others say inappropriate things to them or make comments that they shouldn’t be making. These may be comments about the way somebody looks or dresses. You can still tell people to bug off and maintain control in a kind way. Phrases such as, “I am asking you to stop talking to me like that,” “I will not accept you making comments about my body,” or “That’s inappropriate. Stop” are very clear and strong.
- No Secrets. The only secrets we keep are surprise parties! Oftentimes we hear stories of kids being told that if they tell anyone about things that have happened, a family member will be hurt, killed, or they will not be believed. Children do many things to protect the people they love. They also try to protect themselves from “getting in trouble” no matter how farfetched it may sound to adults. Tell your children often that your job is to keep them safe, and they will not be in trouble if they tell you something uncomfortable. Also remind them that they do not need to protect you, so if someone threatens them or a family member, you should know about it.
- Ask about Media. There are so many things that can be found on the internet, and many times, children will run into sexual content online by mistake. Ask regularly about what your child is viewing on the internet and keep a close eye and ear on those screens. Be open about the content that we hear on the TV and in the news and ask questions. “Have you ever heard of things like this before?” or “What would you do if you were in this situation?” Education on these sensitive topics are much better heard from a parent than the misinformation given online.
- Trust your gut. Tapping into our instincts can be very helpful. We do not always get bad feelings about people, but if we are feeling unsure about someone, it is helpful to explore that feeling and listen to it. Trust your parenting instinct as well. You might feel like the strict or anxious parent from time to time, but asking questions about who, what, when, and where is never a bad idea!
- Know the signs. If you notice any changes in your child’s behavior start the conversation. It may be uncomfortable, but it is very much worth talking about. There are some warning signs of behavior changes that may be linked to sexual abuse of children they can be found here: https://rainn.org/articles/child-sexual-abuse?
If you suspect that your child or any child may be a victim of sexual abuse, contact your local authorities and child protective services organization. You can report even if you suspect that something has already been reported. In the event that you or a loved one find yourself in a tough situation such as this, consider getting your family connected with a therapist to continue to assist you through this difficult time.
Erin Troup, LPC, NCC, CT, IMH-E(IV).
