As a professional that has worked in schools, after-school programs, and therapy settings, I have often been cautioned not to “give into” challenging behaviors. As adults, we worry when kids in our care act out. We worry that we aren’t teaching them right from wrong, that we’re setting precedents to treat others unkindly, or that the child will grow up to be “disrespectful.” Many of these fears, however, come from our own expectations as parents and caregivers.
When encountering difficult behaviors, I am often reminded of a student I worked with. When moving through the schedule of activities, the external pressure sent this child into his “survival brain.” He was unable to connect to others, make problem solving-decisions, or compromise. That meant we often had to forgo our entire plan for the day and do whatever it was he wanted to do. Some days I was able to remind myself of the power of connection, but other days, it was frustrating! Why couldn’t he see that I was trying to help him? In reality, the frustration came from me. I was worried that coworkers would think I was “going easy” on him, that I wasn’t meeting the expectations of the program in our sessions, or that I wasn’t actually helping him.
From others, we can hear: “you’re giving them what they want.” Safety-seeking behaviors may be interpreted as manipulative. This establishes a power struggle that leaves the caretaker, and the child, dysregulated.
How can we reframe this? How can we change to treat our fears with kindness and support our children’s struggle?
- Attunement: Meet your child in their feelings. Often during big behavior moments, kids don’t have access to their logical thinking brain. Take a moment to attune to the way your child is feeling in ways that feel natural. This can be done verbally (“I see that this is really hard and frustrating for you”) or with physical cues (modeling deep breathing or providing physical closeness with a hug).
- Change the goal post: Don’t be afraid to change the expectation for your child! There is no “correct” way to develop skills. Often, shifting the goal to a lower, achievable goal allows a child to feel successful more frequently and boost resilience. For example, if getting your child to brush their teeth every night for a long enough time becomes a heated struggle, you are allowed to let them brush for a shorter amount of time, or without toothpaste, or only in the morning. This does not mean they will never brush their teeth again, but it will mean your relationship is intact, and their nervous system is more regulated. Over time, the goal post will move forward again.
- Autonomy and Collaboration: Kids spend so much of their time in spaces where they are given instructions, rules, and expectations. It can be so powerful to allow for collaborative decision making in the home. You and your child are a team working towards their growth together. In the example above, allowing this child to have the space to share what he needed and when, opened a trusting relationship between the two of us that allowed me to push him further later on.
- Give grace: Find ways to show kindness to yourself and to your child. Self-compassion is a superpower that can go a long way when hitting roadblocks with challenging behaviors. Both you and your child are doing the best you can, and you deserve to acknowledge those efforts.
When working with this student, the fears I had were in regards to my proficiency and his future performance; however, I stuck to building my connection with him. We played pretend, he told me about his favorite video games, and we made special systems that worked just for him. After months of that, I decided to push him further. Eventually he was able to work with other team members, do activities without his special systems, and complete a session without diversions. Though it was not “perfect” (he still had outbursts, still occasionally diverted from activities, and still had days where he was uninterested in his session), his regulation was worlds beyond where it was when he started. It was “giving in” that allowed us to get there.
Brittany Horgan, Intern
