While many conversations between caregivers and their children have a light tone, sometimes we have to share difficult and painful information with our children. Many parents agonize over how much information is too much information or struggle with how to phrase difficult things that they need to tell their children. And, with information being readily available at the swipe of a finger and scary things happening in the world, it can feel like a difficult conversations are more common than we’d like.
So, should you find yourself needing to discuss something big and scary or hard with your child, Sprout has some suggestions:
Gather yourself. If you are very upset and feeling as though you may have a very extreme reaction, it may be best to wait until you are calmer or have another trusted adult deliver the information. Tears are perfectly acceptable reactions to tough discussions, but hysterical crying can be frightening to children. By presenting ourselves as calm, instead of extremely anxious and worried, we can convey a sense of security to our children.
Set the environment. A quiet, comfortable space away from distractions is best when discussing sensitive information. Children often do not like a lot of adult eyes on them when big emotions are happening, so limiting who is delivering the information and supporting them can be helpful.
Use proper terms. It is difficult to say, but to say that someone has “died” leaves less to the imagination than “passed away.” We use a lot of light terms to describe difficult things to children that can leave the child more scared or confused. For example, we often hear well-meaning caregivers tell a child that a family member has “gone to school” to explain an extended absence such as time in a rehab facility or incarceration. Using correct terms can help to alleviate a child’s anxiety from thinking that this too could happen to them because they also “go to school.”
Allow for questions. Ask what your child may have already heard about the information. Be open to answer questions and remember that these questions can pop up at any time and any situation. If you are unsure how to answer it is ok to let the child know that you need to get more information because you are unsure, but certainly follow-up in a timely manner.
Inform others of what you have shared. Let other caregivers such as extended family or teachers know that you have had a conversation. Some well-meaning caregivers may be caught off guard and unintentionally insert their ideas or words around what has happened or what they believe. This can be confusing to children. For example, a child may mention that their grandparent has died and another adult may begin to talk about heaven in an effort to comfort, however, your family may have different beliefs and the contradictory information can be confusing to kids.
Difficult conversations are not easy for anyone, but when you are willing to have them with your child/children you teach them how to have them with others in their own lives and you show them that you can get through tough times together. After all, as Fred Rodgers once said, “Anything mentionable is manageable.”
Erin Troup, LPC, NCC, CT, IMH-E
